Relationship

My relationship with depression.

Depression doesn't sneak up on me any more.
It knocks on my door,
waits for me to open it and then thanks me politely
before I invite it into the household of my body.

Depression doesn't understand the man made concepts of
gender, race, money, profession, it visits all sorts of people.

Depression shows me old photographs, videos, 

plays memories from my personal collection.
It always tries to remind me of the past fondly
until the past begins to show it's true colours of trauma, self-hate, family issues
and everything else that came with it.

Depression conveniently tricks me into the whirlpool of the past.
Future brings me hope, pulls me out of the waters and drags me to the shore,
its uncertainty pushes me right back in.

Depression takes away everything.
Sleep, hunger, dreams, desires, peace but mostly hunger.
Body image issues sink their teeth into my flesh the deepest.
Starving myself becomes the priority.

Depression takes over everything.
Its presence looms over every curve and corner, every inch of my being.

Present tries hard to confront depression, 

throw it out the same door that it had walked in.
Even succeeds, momentarily.

Depression is a regular visitor now.
I welcome it every now and then.
Bid it good bye too on some occasions.
Sometimes, even sending it on a vacation.

We shook hands over a deal a while ago.
Depression understands, it isn't welcome in my household anymore.
One day it will have to leave, permanently.

I have realised, it's all a process and I can't force it out 

if I just make up my mind to it.

Until then depression is allowed to make some days dull for no reason, 

I'm allowed to go out and discover myself on the others.

Depression is allowed to make me curl up and cry when 

everything is terrible, 

I'm allowed to be happy and enjoy the little moments in life.

Depression is allowed to compare me to others and 

make me feel terrible about myself, 

I'm allowed to love all my flaws just as much as my perfection.

We both have honoured our end of the bargain.
And after all these years, I'm beginning to feel it's grip over me loosen. 

- T.R.O.D